I may or may not have done a short post similar to this longer one on one of my tumblr's (yes, I have multiple).
I'm actually eating cake tonight. Mmm. Tonight's listening is provided by Two Steps from Hell with their song "Toys Come Alive." http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_8BmNsPXacA
As I write this, I'm getting texted compliments by my significant other because she's watching TV and feels guilty for leaving me alone on the laptop. Long distance relationships. They're not fun.
But, the truth of the matter is that I'm questioning the stability of our relationship. On the one hand, a past version of myself believed that she was 'the one,' but on the other, I'm not much of a masochist. At what point does trying to work things out and toughing out the slew of BS become obsolete?
Is the dream worth the pain?
Love is complicated. And I am a terrible person when it's in my hands.
I have a tendency to enjoy toying with emotions.
But with this girl, code named Harley, I didn't toy with her emotions, I figuratively pulled a Davy Jones and carved out my heart for her and set it on a plate in front of her. Yet, she's never done the same for me. I've given so, so much more than I've taken from this relationship than Harley has. And this is a girl I thought for a long time I was going to marry. Now... I don't even know.
Unspoken rules, regulations are laced around me like invisible lasers, and if I bump into one, all hell breaks loose. Perhaps things will ease up when I am able to visit her, talk to her, hug and kiss her, but for now... I don't know.
What defines a normal relationship, a normal romance? Is there no love that comes without a price? Is love simply another burden placed on us by society? Because love... Or at least, a happy family with a house full of kids, two cars, a dog, and a grassy yard... Is what is expected of us.
And I'm afraid.
Afraid that this concept of love has trapped me and trapped other people. There are few people who do not desire a partner, a friend, a lover, someone who cares for them. So we search for it. Sometimes we find it in the arms of a stranger for one night, sometimes we find it in the arms of stranger who becomes a bigger part of our lives.
But what if the first stranger was better for you than the second?
What if that one night of being loved is better than a short while of dating then years of marriage and eventual discontent, abuse, hatred, divorce? Or what if it was the first stranger, the one you'll never see again, that was meant to be with you?
Are we meant to be with anyone permanently? Is marriage an archaic concept? Do we cling to the words of others too much? Is our happiness really linked with and dependent on the happiness of another person?
"Be fucking fabulous, live for joy, embrace the beauty of the absurd and fuck anyone who gets in the way of your happy." -Sarah "Sparkly Devil" Klein
While I love this quote, I have to wonder, just how many people are capable of pushing people who obstruct happiness out of their lives? As a society, in America at least, we're taught to be contentious of how our friends, family, and loved ones feel.
People don't break up, divorce, or leave their partner for a generalization of two reasons.One: They're afraid of being alone. Two: They're afraid of hurting the other person. And so we sit here, wallowing in misery, wishing to escape, but not seeing a way out.
Me? I know I partially belong to the second category. I don't want to hurt Harley. But I am mostly consumed by wondering, "If I leave her, will I be losing the greatest thing that happened to me? Or is the greatest thing that will happen to me yet to come?"
Are you out there?
Are you out there, anonymous? Are you out there, feeling the same way, wondering the same things?
