It's 2:37 AM my time. So instead of going to bed, I'm writing a blog post.
I haven't even looked at this thing in months.
Well, since the last post.
This is going to be rambling, but I don't think I have much to worry about. After all, this isn't a massively popular blog, so I can treat it like a diary that everyone can read. Worst. Diary. Ever.
There's a guy I like. Does he know I exist? The chances are slim.
There's a girl I'm dating. I'm trying to be happy with her, but it's still a struggle.
I'm 19. There's a lot I haven't experienced. She was going to fly me up to where she lives for a few days. While discussing this, she said to bring my favorite dress. I'm... Not really a dress person. Anyway, cutting to the chase, the dress was for me to wear during our symbolic marriage.
I'm 19.
19.
I can't even legally drink and she wants to do a symbolic marriage.
She's obsessed with this idea that we'll live happily ever after. She says that there are some things she just knows.
Like how she knew her and her ex boyfriend were going to get married? Because that totally happened.
I have to admit, after that experience, I am a lot more sympathetic with the stereotypical guy running when their girl starts talking marriage...
Like I said in my previous post, people don't leave for two reasons. Right now, I'm hitting the first category. I don't want to be alone. Even if she drives me crazy, she's still someone that cares. It'd probably be easier if I had someone to go to if I broke up with her, but I don't. I'm tired of online relationships, and my only [incredibly unlikely to ever hit romance] romantic prospects are people online.
Irritatingly ironic.
I'm also thinking about deleting everything I written on this blog in a while. Leave it empty. Oh I'll save the posts somewhere on my flash drive, but I don't think I'll keep them on the internet. Maybe I'll restart the blog at a future time, when I have something other than random points in my life to talk about.
Friday, August 9, 2013
Sunday, June 2, 2013
Love love love
I may or may not have done a short post similar to this longer one on one of my tumblr's (yes, I have multiple).
I'm actually eating cake tonight. Mmm. Tonight's listening is provided by Two Steps from Hell with their song "Toys Come Alive." http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_8BmNsPXacA
As I write this, I'm getting texted compliments by my significant other because she's watching TV and feels guilty for leaving me alone on the laptop. Long distance relationships. They're not fun.
But, the truth of the matter is that I'm questioning the stability of our relationship. On the one hand, a past version of myself believed that she was 'the one,' but on the other, I'm not much of a masochist. At what point does trying to work things out and toughing out the slew of BS become obsolete?
Is the dream worth the pain?
Love is complicated. And I am a terrible person when it's in my hands.
I have a tendency to enjoy toying with emotions.
But with this girl, code named Harley, I didn't toy with her emotions, I figuratively pulled a Davy Jones and carved out my heart for her and set it on a plate in front of her. Yet, she's never done the same for me. I've given so, so much more than I've taken from this relationship than Harley has. And this is a girl I thought for a long time I was going to marry. Now... I don't even know.
Unspoken rules, regulations are laced around me like invisible lasers, and if I bump into one, all hell breaks loose. Perhaps things will ease up when I am able to visit her, talk to her, hug and kiss her, but for now... I don't know.
What defines a normal relationship, a normal romance? Is there no love that comes without a price? Is love simply another burden placed on us by society? Because love... Or at least, a happy family with a house full of kids, two cars, a dog, and a grassy yard... Is what is expected of us.
And I'm afraid.
Afraid that this concept of love has trapped me and trapped other people. There are few people who do not desire a partner, a friend, a lover, someone who cares for them. So we search for it. Sometimes we find it in the arms of a stranger for one night, sometimes we find it in the arms of stranger who becomes a bigger part of our lives.
But what if the first stranger was better for you than the second?
What if that one night of being loved is better than a short while of dating then years of marriage and eventual discontent, abuse, hatred, divorce? Or what if it was the first stranger, the one you'll never see again, that was meant to be with you?
Are we meant to be with anyone permanently? Is marriage an archaic concept? Do we cling to the words of others too much? Is our happiness really linked with and dependent on the happiness of another person?
"Be fucking fabulous, live for joy, embrace the beauty of the absurd and fuck anyone who gets in the way of your happy." -Sarah "Sparkly Devil" Klein
While I love this quote, I have to wonder, just how many people are capable of pushing people who obstruct happiness out of their lives? As a society, in America at least, we're taught to be contentious of how our friends, family, and loved ones feel.
People don't break up, divorce, or leave their partner for a generalization of two reasons.One: They're afraid of being alone. Two: They're afraid of hurting the other person. And so we sit here, wallowing in misery, wishing to escape, but not seeing a way out.
Me? I know I partially belong to the second category. I don't want to hurt Harley. But I am mostly consumed by wondering, "If I leave her, will I be losing the greatest thing that happened to me? Or is the greatest thing that will happen to me yet to come?"
Are you out there?
Are you out there, anonymous? Are you out there, feeling the same way, wondering the same things?
I'm actually eating cake tonight. Mmm. Tonight's listening is provided by Two Steps from Hell with their song "Toys Come Alive." http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_8BmNsPXacA
As I write this, I'm getting texted compliments by my significant other because she's watching TV and feels guilty for leaving me alone on the laptop. Long distance relationships. They're not fun.
But, the truth of the matter is that I'm questioning the stability of our relationship. On the one hand, a past version of myself believed that she was 'the one,' but on the other, I'm not much of a masochist. At what point does trying to work things out and toughing out the slew of BS become obsolete?
Is the dream worth the pain?
Love is complicated. And I am a terrible person when it's in my hands.
I have a tendency to enjoy toying with emotions.
But with this girl, code named Harley, I didn't toy with her emotions, I figuratively pulled a Davy Jones and carved out my heart for her and set it on a plate in front of her. Yet, she's never done the same for me. I've given so, so much more than I've taken from this relationship than Harley has. And this is a girl I thought for a long time I was going to marry. Now... I don't even know.
Unspoken rules, regulations are laced around me like invisible lasers, and if I bump into one, all hell breaks loose. Perhaps things will ease up when I am able to visit her, talk to her, hug and kiss her, but for now... I don't know.
What defines a normal relationship, a normal romance? Is there no love that comes without a price? Is love simply another burden placed on us by society? Because love... Or at least, a happy family with a house full of kids, two cars, a dog, and a grassy yard... Is what is expected of us.
And I'm afraid.
Afraid that this concept of love has trapped me and trapped other people. There are few people who do not desire a partner, a friend, a lover, someone who cares for them. So we search for it. Sometimes we find it in the arms of a stranger for one night, sometimes we find it in the arms of stranger who becomes a bigger part of our lives.
But what if the first stranger was better for you than the second?
What if that one night of being loved is better than a short while of dating then years of marriage and eventual discontent, abuse, hatred, divorce? Or what if it was the first stranger, the one you'll never see again, that was meant to be with you?
Are we meant to be with anyone permanently? Is marriage an archaic concept? Do we cling to the words of others too much? Is our happiness really linked with and dependent on the happiness of another person?
"Be fucking fabulous, live for joy, embrace the beauty of the absurd and fuck anyone who gets in the way of your happy." -Sarah "Sparkly Devil" Klein
While I love this quote, I have to wonder, just how many people are capable of pushing people who obstruct happiness out of their lives? As a society, in America at least, we're taught to be contentious of how our friends, family, and loved ones feel.
People don't break up, divorce, or leave their partner for a generalization of two reasons.One: They're afraid of being alone. Two: They're afraid of hurting the other person. And so we sit here, wallowing in misery, wishing to escape, but not seeing a way out.
Me? I know I partially belong to the second category. I don't want to hurt Harley. But I am mostly consumed by wondering, "If I leave her, will I be losing the greatest thing that happened to me? Or is the greatest thing that will happen to me yet to come?"
Are you out there?
Are you out there, anonymous? Are you out there, feeling the same way, wondering the same things?
Wednesday, April 24, 2013
Levels of Importance
Well, here we are. Not even 24 hours later and I've gone and changed the blog name. I must say I do prefer it over 'Music and Musings,' which, I discovered, is a massively popular blog name on the internet. Who knew!
...Obviously everyone who ever Googled "Music and Musings," but you get what I mean.
Really quick, if you're in the mood to listen to something, try out this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fz4MzJTeL0c
Anyway, on to the main thing I'd like to make a comment about.
It is fascinating the levels of importance a person will put on something, while someone else will look at it and wonder why it's important at all. I have a real life example, and I would use it, but I'm fairly certain the person involved would realize who I was talking about and come yell at me.
Not a fan of getting yelled at.
Though I will say that the person involved seems to be determined to make me think less of another, lesser involved person, who is, in a way, the central issue, and has been for a while.
So anyway, here I am, thinking about this and wondering, "What are the factors that give things greater or lesser importance?" And this is where the brain gears start turning. Society plays a major role, especially in America. I haven't visited other countries, except Canada when I was little, so I can't speak for them. Society sets trends of what's hot and what's not, making people crave to have what's hot, such as the platform flip flops that were popular a few years back that I now regret buying. Media is another factor. In America, commercials, billboards, media- all of it states that "x" is incredibly important. Such as all women looking like Victoria's Secret models. In addition, media seems to be making an intense effort to dumb Americans down. Getting a college education is incredibly important, but it's not nearly as stressed upon as, say, Nike's newest line of running shoes. Out with education and in with wanton spending and materialism!
I'm going to have to end it here tonight, folks. Unfortunately, work calls.
...Obviously everyone who ever Googled "Music and Musings," but you get what I mean.
Really quick, if you're in the mood to listen to something, try out this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fz4MzJTeL0c
Anyway, on to the main thing I'd like to make a comment about.
It is fascinating the levels of importance a person will put on something, while someone else will look at it and wonder why it's important at all. I have a real life example, and I would use it, but I'm fairly certain the person involved would realize who I was talking about and come yell at me.
Not a fan of getting yelled at.
Though I will say that the person involved seems to be determined to make me think less of another, lesser involved person, who is, in a way, the central issue, and has been for a while.
So anyway, here I am, thinking about this and wondering, "What are the factors that give things greater or lesser importance?" And this is where the brain gears start turning. Society plays a major role, especially in America. I haven't visited other countries, except Canada when I was little, so I can't speak for them. Society sets trends of what's hot and what's not, making people crave to have what's hot, such as the platform flip flops that were popular a few years back that I now regret buying. Media is another factor. In America, commercials, billboards, media- all of it states that "x" is incredibly important. Such as all women looking like Victoria's Secret models. In addition, media seems to be making an intense effort to dumb Americans down. Getting a college education is incredibly important, but it's not nearly as stressed upon as, say, Nike's newest line of running shoes. Out with education and in with wanton spending and materialism!
I'm going to have to end it here tonight, folks. Unfortunately, work calls.
So It Begins
I have to admit, I never really thought I'd get around to doing this. Writing my thoughts down and what not. I confess I'm not entirely sure why I've called this Music and Musings, though I suppose the latter makes more sense than the former, since I will be musing. Maybe it was the alliteration. I'll incorporate music somehow.
Shouldn't be too difficult, I mean, music is right there in the title to remind me to say something music related.
Actually, I can talk about music for a bit, that's a massive reason as to why I'm here.
Emilie Autumn came out with her first music video today.
I was first introduced to her by a friend from deviantArt, who had done a video of her characters featuring Emilie's "Dominant." [here, give it a listen while you read: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4uc7lVGR3Nw&noredirect=1] Talk about love at first listen, I even went through the process of exchanging emails to get a mp3 version of it. Except, when I went to listen to more of her work, I found myself disappointed. I didn't like her lyrics, her singing, anything about her music. I did try, several times to get into it, but to no avail.
It wasn't until a few years later that I fully threw myself into the world of Emilie. Why? Well... There was this girl, you see, and I really wanted to get to know her better, and well...
*cough*
Yep. Listening to the same music as a crush because you want to get to know them better. Such a horribly cliche story but the point is, I was able to fall in love with Emilie's music this time around. To the point where I would only listen to her music, hitting repeat and shuffle to get the most out of my music player. I'm fairly certain it hated me after a few months of that...
Age helped me enjoy her art. As a... Good grief, I don't even remember how old I was at the time, it wasn't even too terribly long ago. Well, whatever younger age I was, I didn't appreciate or understand the meaning behind her lyrics. There was- is, rather- so much depth there. They aren't your run of the mill, Taylor Swift break up songs, they're true lyrical art weaving complex messages and stories. Though at times they lyrics seem confusing and almost Gaga-esque, repeated listens will dispel the confusion and reveal the story under it all.
But I digress. I could very easily continue to wax poetic about Emilie, but I must move onto my point.
So, once again, her first music video came out today- well, yesterday now, looking at the clock.
FLAG- Fight Like a Girl.
I admit there were things that disappointed me. The lip syncing was off in several places, her acting didn't quite meet the standard of her attack-like stage performances, and a few other, more nit picky details. But, overall, the song lost none of its power- and I loved the random kisses and battle sequences [heeled boot to the face!]- so I still enjoyed it immensely. I watched a few more times before returning to my work- not really a pleasant shift, to be honest. Eventually I found myself on Veronica Varlow's website- a member of Emilie's back up dancers and singers, the Bloody Crumpets. I had bookmarked one of her diary entries a few months ago, so upon finding myself on that page, I went to read her newer entries [if you'd like to read what I read, viola: http://dangerdame.com/diary/]. And... This is the whole reason why I'm here, writing this, right now. Her entry got me thinking. I had something else entirely different composed to write earlier, but I can't remember it at all now, except for a bit of the beginning.
I am a nobody.
You are a nobody.
Everyone exists in a sea of nobodies.
But if a nobody knows a nobody, then they become somebodies. So this isn't a world of invisible people leading invisible lives. This is a world full of people who are overall the same as everyone else yet they are so incredibly unique and different from the rest of the world. You and I are one of a kind, they broke the mold when they made us. We are all special editions.
So that's a wrap. I'm going to end this here for tonight. Don't worry, I'll be back. Good night, everyone.
Shouldn't be too difficult, I mean, music is right there in the title to remind me to say something music related.
Actually, I can talk about music for a bit, that's a massive reason as to why I'm here.
Emilie Autumn came out with her first music video today.
I was first introduced to her by a friend from deviantArt, who had done a video of her characters featuring Emilie's "Dominant." [here, give it a listen while you read: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4uc7lVGR3Nw&noredirect=1] Talk about love at first listen, I even went through the process of exchanging emails to get a mp3 version of it. Except, when I went to listen to more of her work, I found myself disappointed. I didn't like her lyrics, her singing, anything about her music. I did try, several times to get into it, but to no avail.
It wasn't until a few years later that I fully threw myself into the world of Emilie. Why? Well... There was this girl, you see, and I really wanted to get to know her better, and well...
*cough*
Yep. Listening to the same music as a crush because you want to get to know them better. Such a horribly cliche story but the point is, I was able to fall in love with Emilie's music this time around. To the point where I would only listen to her music, hitting repeat and shuffle to get the most out of my music player. I'm fairly certain it hated me after a few months of that...
Age helped me enjoy her art. As a... Good grief, I don't even remember how old I was at the time, it wasn't even too terribly long ago. Well, whatever younger age I was, I didn't appreciate or understand the meaning behind her lyrics. There was- is, rather- so much depth there. They aren't your run of the mill, Taylor Swift break up songs, they're true lyrical art weaving complex messages and stories. Though at times they lyrics seem confusing and almost Gaga-esque, repeated listens will dispel the confusion and reveal the story under it all.
But I digress. I could very easily continue to wax poetic about Emilie, but I must move onto my point.
So, once again, her first music video came out today- well, yesterday now, looking at the clock.
FLAG- Fight Like a Girl.
I admit there were things that disappointed me. The lip syncing was off in several places, her acting didn't quite meet the standard of her attack-like stage performances, and a few other, more nit picky details. But, overall, the song lost none of its power- and I loved the random kisses and battle sequences [heeled boot to the face!]- so I still enjoyed it immensely. I watched a few more times before returning to my work- not really a pleasant shift, to be honest. Eventually I found myself on Veronica Varlow's website- a member of Emilie's back up dancers and singers, the Bloody Crumpets. I had bookmarked one of her diary entries a few months ago, so upon finding myself on that page, I went to read her newer entries [if you'd like to read what I read, viola: http://dangerdame.com/diary/]. And... This is the whole reason why I'm here, writing this, right now. Her entry got me thinking. I had something else entirely different composed to write earlier, but I can't remember it at all now, except for a bit of the beginning.
I am a nobody.
You are a nobody.
Everyone exists in a sea of nobodies.
But if a nobody knows a nobody, then they become somebodies. So this isn't a world of invisible people leading invisible lives. This is a world full of people who are overall the same as everyone else yet they are so incredibly unique and different from the rest of the world. You and I are one of a kind, they broke the mold when they made us. We are all special editions.
So that's a wrap. I'm going to end this here for tonight. Don't worry, I'll be back. Good night, everyone.
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